i look above

I have not really slept much these past 3 days. I have many sleeping struggles, I have suffered from insomnia back and fourth for about two years. It is hard, because I tell myself that I want to really get rid of it for good, but I know that I love the night time and the stillness I find within the early dark hours of the morning. It is 5am in the morning, still haven't slept, still wide awake. Whenever I tell people about my sleeping habits, they tell me to go and talk through it, find the deep route and cause of it. I don't feel the need to know that, nor talk through it. I know where it comes from. When I was a child I had a couple of occurrences where I would wake in the middle of the night struggling to breathe, I remember trying so hard to shout my mother but I couldn't. Both times she heard me by me throwing something at my door, I could not breathe and I was rapidly becoming dizzy, as a child it was incredibly traumatic. I remember the ambulance and the male doctors fussing over me, talking to me and making me laugh whilst I was confused and stuck in my little world. After the second time, I tried so hard not to sleep. I'd be a six year old trying to stay awake in bed, opening my eyes and keeping them open with my finger-tips. I was so very frightened at the thought of falling asleep and waking up, struggling to breathe. I think that fear is still stuck deep inside of me somewhere, someplace. Although I do not feel that fear, I'm sure it has stemmed from that point.